In clinical psychological counseling, couples or couples often encounter the problem of separation. The more you consult these questions, the more you can find that there is a natural conflict between love and distance. If we don’t handle it carefully, the probability of love losing to distance is still quite large. Therefore, whether it is a couple in love or an old couple who have been married for many years, it is a problem that we need to face up to and pay attention to.
The following analysis and suggestions can also provide reference for the situation that the family cannot be taken care of for some reasons.
Whether it’s a couple in love or an old couple who have been married for many years, being away from home is a problem that we need to face up to and pay attention to; Image from the network)
Why distance
Have such a great influence on love?
Speaking of this question, I have to talk about three essential elements of perfect love: intimacy, passion and commitment. The three elements of love were put forward by Robert Robert Jeffrey Sternberg, a professor of psychology at Yale University. He pointed out that different stages and types of love can be interpreted as different combinations of these three elements. For example, with the development of two people’s romantic relationship, the focus of each component will change. For example, there will be more passion at first, but gradually, commitment will become more important. Robert Jeffrey Sternberg also found that the duration of a relationship based on a single factor is not as long as that based on two or three factors.
Three elements of love: intimacy, passion and commitment; The size of the triangle indicates the degree of admiration, and the larger the triangle, the higher the degree of admiration; Each horn represents a unique type of love; Different combinations form seven different types of love; Image from the network)
Usually, the intimate relationship with the longest persistence and the highest satisfaction is obtained by the efforts of both partners to maintain intimacy and enhance their sense of responsibility.
In a long-distance relationship, intimacy is easily affected. Sometimes what can be solved by a hug leads to misunderstandings and the accumulation of negative emotions because of the obstacles of emotional expression.
Coupled with the cumulative effect of different living environments and different social circles, over time, it is likely that two people will have less and less common language and it will become more and more difficult to understand each other.
What is even more frightening is that it will wear away trust. There are many uncertain factors for two people who live in different places for a long time, such as a message or phone call that can’t be answered in time, a photo taken with other members of the opposite sex, a lie that hides their whereabouts, and so on, which may lead to the collapse of trust.
Therefore, the lack of intimacy is the key reason why many long-distance relationships lose to distance and time.
Lack of intimacy is the key reason why many long-distance relationships lose to distance and time; Image from the network)
How to overcome the troubles in different places?
Then how can we overcome the unfavorable factors brought by different places and maintain a harmonious and long-lasting relationship? We suggest that couples or couples who are experiencing the test in different places need to do the following work:
First, learn to communicate deeply and build a building of trust.
The hardest part to deal with in different places is communication. Many people think that communication mainly depends on language, but in actual communication, the influence of language information is very small, accounting for only about 7%, and tone, facial expression and body account for 93%. Therefore, when two people communicate in different places, it is impossible to fully understand each other’s emotional state, even if it is a video, it lacks the participation of touch and smell, and it is impossible to achieve a comprehensive experience. Therefore, it is very important to improve the depth and efficiency of communication.
For communication in different places, we suggest that the big principle is "report every day, learn to share, and don’t have a cold war".
(The principle of communication in different places: report every day, learn to share, and never have a cold war; Image from the network)
Many couples in different places are busy at work, so it may be unrealistic to report from time to time, but it may become a burden to each other. However, it is necessary to give a brief report every day, especially for men. Before going to bed, they should briefly talk about their day’s situation and the next day’s arrangements, voice messages or short calls. With such a habit, mutual trust will be enhanced.
By sharing your own life, you can let each other know about your living environment and dynamics and enhance each other’s sense of security.
But no matter how good two people are, conflicts are inevitable. Quarrel is not terrible, but couples in different places should not use the cold war to deal with conflicts.
Second, strengthen the sense of ceremony, and farewell is better than marriage.
The preservation of two people’s love needs a sense of ceremony, and it is more urgent for both parties in different places to achieve the state of "a little farewell is better than a new marriage" by strengthening the sense of ceremony.
We can strengthen the sense of ritual in getting along from two aspects, one is to make rules, and the other is to create romance.
You can strengthen the sense of ritual in getting along in two ways: making rules and creating romance; Image from the network)
At the beginning of different places, it is necessary to make some rules to ensure the constant love interaction between two people. For example, talk every day, say good night to each other every day, and make regular video calls; Regarding communication, we must speak out if there are contradictions, instead of holding them in our hearts and fighting for the night; Regarding trust, no matter how busy you are, you should explain it in advance and share it briefly, and you must explain the unexpected situation afterwards. These agreements will subconsciously make us cherish our feelings and make the feelings in different places more stable.
In creating romance, many couples, especially girls, need to feel loved, so don’t ignore each other’s needs and set aside time to take care of her emotions and express their feelings. Properly expressing your thoughts and love for each other can make each other feel cared for. You can also often create some surprises for each other, such as writing a few love words to each other and singing a love song to each other. If you travel frequently, when you meet again, you should buy some carefully selected gifts for the other party, such as what the other party mentioned to you, to let the other party know that you are thinking about her at any time, so as to achieve the effect that parting is better than getting married.
Third, create romantic expectations and give full play to the power of commitment.
For a long-distance relationship, commitment is an important driving force for each other to overcome the current difficulties. If there is no expectation for the future, it is difficult for two people to resist the suffering of loneliness and missing. Therefore, when you are in a different place, you must increase the chances of meeting as much as possible, and before each separation, you can start to create the expectation of meeting next time, and try to be specific and look forward to it together. For example, "Let’s meet in a month, and I’ll cook you a big seafood dinner, so that you can taste my loving cooking skills.".
(When you are in a different place, you must increase the chances of meeting as much as possible, and before each separation, you can start to create the expectation of meeting next time, try to be specific and look forward to it together, but don’t break your promise; Image from the network)
Expectation can be divided into short-term goals and long-term goals.
Short-term goals can be aimed at mutual interests, such as traveling together, shopping together, climbing mountains together, watching movies together, etc. You can make a detailed plan, work together and implement it one by one, so that more connections can be built.
Don’t break your promise, if it doesn’t come true, and blame each other, the balance of your emotional savings account will be less and less.
The long-term goal is about the expectations of being together in the future. Couples in love can look forward to the wedding picture together, how romantic the wedding is, how exquisite the home decoration is, and how interesting the future life will be. For example, "When we get married in the future, we must raise a lovely kitten at home and have a particularly lovely child. I will take pictures of you, the kitten and the child, and I will be very happy when I think about it."
For married couples, how to solve the problem of separation between the two places is a very realistic topic. The other party may understand the needs of temporary career development, but if career development is always put above the needs of the other party, the probability of emotional problems is still very high if two people get together for a long time, so it is necessary to take care of how long to solve the problem in different places and how to make up for each other’s feelings, and give a promise to make the other party really feel at ease.
This paper is adapted from Intimate Relationship Management —— How to Deal with Conflicts in Intimate Relationship Rationally.
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Editor/Seagull
Original title: "Better Police Body and Mind | How to Keep Love from Losing to Distance"
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